Making Up My Own News-Andhravilas

Making Up My Own News

Vasu Reddy from Chicago

Since 1980s the news coverage has been almost all waking hours of our life. News, news and news and talk shows dominate the television. Newspapers, magazines, periodicals saturate the mailbox. And, Internet is unparalleled in giving us every bit of whatever might be happening in the world at our fingertips.

My crib is that none of the stuff I read is positive. War, crime, killings, politics of bickering, hurricanes, budget deficit, unemployment, disease and everything else that can be wrong are wrong. The news seem to be full of most intricate details on what’s messed up with the world and its population.

Anything that is positive happening is not reported 24/7 but will be relegated to minimum coverage as if we don’t want to know anything good. I think Saddam and Osama and OJ are some reasons for me personally to stop watching too much TV. Sorry, I forgot the presidential debates of last several elections. If those two guys think each of them is so messed-up and lie so much, wow look what they will to the people they don’t know? US. I know the TV stations have yet to show live beheadings of people that is become normal lately, as they all reported that they did not feel appropriate. Sure, we believe that. But Internet did not stop showing people being beheaded. I know a few folks who watched them on the net and were feeling bad. Hey no one asked you to watch them. It’s not a movie, its real. Once people who do this bad stuff know people are watching them, they will continue to do them to get more and more exposure. Imagine if you don’t cover the war in Iraq, except as any other happening in the world an relegate it as just another news item, I am sure the insurgents want to impress the audience of CNN and other news outlets, and will continue to do more gruesome stuff thinking it will help their causes. Be it Kashmir, Iraq, Afghanistan, North Korea or Philippines the bad stuff is covered 24/7 while the feel good deeds may not be covered. Thus, I have decided to create my own headline news and read them to myself.

This is Vasu Reddy reporting from Hyderabad for Independent India News:

Today is October 28, 2004 and good evening.

Farmers in Andhra Pradesh, Punjab and Gujarat are ecstatic due to the timely rains in the country that has given bumper crops across the board. The local and state banks report that there is a 100% repayment of loans and the farmers continue to save more of their money. In a positive development the price of rice, wheat and beans have doubled as the Chinese have committed to importing from India thereby proving a long-term opportunity for Indian farmer. The outlook for next season is excellent with plating seeds and cash available for farmers, and seasonal rains predicted along with full dams and reservoirs.

The Indian Finance minister Mr. Chidambaram in a report to the PMO and to the congress says that the Indian nation budget is collecting revenues 25% in excess of its projections. This he says is due to all business and farming communities have been paying taxes beyond expectations and good economic conditions and Zero inflation has contributed to dramatic 18% growth in GDP, and foreign currency reserves of 1.1 trillion USD. With inflation at zero percent, and continued economic growth in excess of 12% a year he predicts that India can venture for a personal tax-free society whereby improving the chances of rapid growth in the consumer goods industry.

In business news Fortune magazine reports that Hyderabad is the best destination in Asia for Infrastructure, facilities, educated employees and expansion capabilities for information technology industry. The cyber city is expected to create one million new jobs annually and expected to house Asian headquarters for Microsoft, Intel, Oracle and other major technology powerhouses. In a not so surprising finding the Hyderabad employees have been found to speak with MNC accent as needed and are finding ways to meet the demands of customers with effortless gossip.

The Indian political scenario seems to be going the way of Bhai-Behan logic with Sonia Gandhi and Atal Behari Vajpayee meeting twice a week for dinner and discussing the issues of the country rather than the parties. Unanimous agreements on budgets, peace process, trade and deregulation seems to be in the works. The major party leaders seem to support compromise and camaraderie instead of the usual bickering. The parties have agreed to unanimous cost cutting measures, along with endorsing the plan to runt he country with strict controls. With the growing GDP, budget surplus and foreign exchange reserves India seem to be content with peace and prosperity in its five-year plans.

In International news President Bush, Prime Minister Man Mohan Singh and President Musharaaf met in New Delhi today, and signed a treaty to ban nuclear weapons and remove all troops from the borders of India and Pakistan. Both countries are redeploying the troops in building the infrastructure of the countries rather than fighting with each other.

In medical news an Indian doctor from Gandhi Nagar, Gujarat successfully tested AIDS vaccine and is hailed as one of the greatest invention in the history of medicine. Dr. Patel is expected to be nominated for Nobel Prize for medicine. British and USA governments along with all nations in the UN have immediately endorsed a plan to make this available to all nations with a swift FDA approval. Dr. Patel has generously agreed to make the vaccine available at production cost only and will become the Chairman of World AIDS Cure foundation, and will continue to work on his ten thousand rupees a month salary in Gandhi Nagar Government hospital.

Life styles in rural India have been dramatically changed with the educational channel of India teaching English and local languages along with exercise and diet classes on television. In a report published by health services ministry today, it is estimated that Indians will be 100% literate by year 2009. The report also stresses that if the current trend in vegetarianism and diet control is maintained the life expectancy of Indian Male will be 74 years and Women at 100 years. However the report did not specify the disparity with the life expectancy of men and women. In a serious but very logical interview HH Dalai Lama said, “The dramatic increase in life expectancy is going to free up space in Heaven as all men and women who seek salvation will live much longer. Undoubtedly the longer life will give the people an opportunity to do better things with their life and earn the path to heaven”.

In sports news Sachin Tendulkar slammed 309 runs on the fourth day of the third test in Nagpur between India and Australia. Sachin remains at bat along with Parthiv Patel who is scored 47 runs in a 250 run partnership with Sachin. India needs only 50 runs to win the third test and even the four test match series. What looked like the little master with the littler Parthiv staying put at the crease has turned a sure defeat at the end of the third day into a definite victory with a barrage of runs. Huge celebrations with free laddus and jalebi are planned after the win tomorrow. When India wins the test this will be the best comeback by any test side, and cementing the reputation of Sachin as one of the greatest cricketer of all time.

In entertainment news in a surprising reduction in entertainment tax, the movie tickets are now priced at a flat price of five rupees per ticket across the country. Removing the heavy tax burden is expected to bring scores of movie lovers across the country and make every movie a hit. It is also expected all the murders, rapes, dowry crimes, stealing and stupidity will be dramatically reduced as all the goons will be happy watching Munnabhai MBBS for free in every town. Screening Munnabhai for free is a special promotion to attract the rowdy crowd to watch and learn from the character. Sanjay Dutt was seen in line in the Bombay suburb of Bandra waiting to get into see the movie for free.

The Indian Court Astrologer Sri. Naya Daruwala in his most recent update said that everyone who is in love is in luck for the rest of the decade as the stars favor the lovers. He says with everyone in India being projected to be filthy rich, the materialistic gift giving to impress once loved ones will be a thing of the past, and people will start writing love letters and speaking of moon and stars and what ever the modern generation thinks is old fashioned. He also states that all movies will have 15 duets where hero and heroine will sing praises for each other and music will move our hearts. He says, “Love will rule the country”. With the politicians working together, war a thing of the past and love all over the place it’s going to be a good time to be living in India. Sri. Daruwala also states in his pronouncements that people will have fewer number of children as they will more focused on being in love and practicing abstinence until they get married. With everyone in so much love marriages and kids will be coming later in the next decade.

In a great development with the Europeans, Johnny Walker Black Label will be available in every store that sells Do Number Ka Soap, and will be sold at one hundred rupees per liter. Mr. Do Number the CEO of DO Number Ka Soap who made this happen says that the whiskey lovers of the country can enjoy their favorite brand at every occasion imaginable. King soda a partner with Do Number announced that all buyers of JWBL will get unlimited free soda. This is something to celebrate and I am going to go straight home after the news and enjoy my drink and think of my love life without stress and being filthy rich along with filthy rich neighbors in a filthy rich country.

This is Vasu Reddy signing of for Independent India News, and you all have a great evening.

None of this news is real. It is imaginary and hoping for good things in my evening of writing October 27, 2004. It is meant to take all the nasty and negative stuff I hear and read, and making up what I would like to hear on the daily news. At least until I see the next newscast I will be positive about making up good stuff.

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